Keeping Abreast of the Competition

                  As a cleavage-challenged woman, I am constantly searching for the perfect bra.  I have tried demi’s, strapless, convertibles, maximizers; if it claimed to squeeze, plump, lift or otherwise make objects larger than they appear, I’ve tried it.  And after many years of research, I am offering what I’ve learned to all of my fellow tiny-titted sisters in the hopes that I may save them some needless trauma and suffering.

                  First up; The Water Bra.  This brassiere is exactly as the name applies.  Built into the padding of the cups is a sealed pocket that contains water.  When worn, the liquid warms to body temperature and disperses evenly to surround the breast.  This creates a very natural rounded appearance that also feels real should someone ‘accidently’ brush against you.  Sounds great, right?  Only they fail to mention one tiny detail.  You know what happens to your hands when they are submerged in water for a long period of time?  Well, imagine what happens to your nipples after eight or ten hours.  My boobs were so puckered they looked like tomatoes that had been sitting in the bottom of the refrigerator for six months.  And my nipples were practically transparent!  Thankfully the effect is temporary and within an hour or so, my breasts returned to their pre-water bra appearance.  It’s a good thing too, because I was rehearsing various fictitious causes I would give to the emergency room attendant, none of which sounded plausible or even sane.  Also, the packaging on this brassiere warns to keep the bra away from sharp corners or objects as it is subject to punctures, and the contents are under pressure.   Add that alarming warning to the pucker factor, and this boobie-sling is a no-go.

                  Next, The Silicone Enhanced Bra.  Similar to the water bra, this one contains removable silicone inserts that are placed inside of pockets sewn into the bottom cup of the bra.  The silicone packets look like half-moon shaped plastic bags stuffed with peach pudding.  The silicone also warms to your body, and there is some puckering with extended wear, but it is not as vulnerable to punctures as the water bra.  However there is a major drawback.  The silicone inserts are removable so that the bra can be washed.  When worn, your natural body oils are absorbed into the fabric and make the bra material somewhat slick.  Silicone is also fairly slippery.  So, then when you happen to reach up to retrieve a book off of a shelf during reading hour at your son’s kindergarten class; and one of the slimy suckers squirts out, you may have to explain to a group of staring children why a bag of peach pudding just shot out of your blouse. 

                  One of the newest trends on the market is The Heated Bra.  This brassiere features removable gel pads that can be heated in the microwave before being inserted into the bra.  These are particularly popular here in Alaska as they allow the wearer to enjoy cooler fashions despite the frigid outside temperatures.  However, I cannot stress enough how important it is to carefully read the use and care tag on your clothing prior to wearing this bra.  A silk blouse with puckering at the breast-line is not a terribly flattering look, nor does it draw the attention one was hoping for.  It’s also a bitch to peel melted silk off of the bra.  Supposedly the gel pads can be frozen as well, although for the life of me, I couldn’t think of one good reason why you would want to! 

                  And thanks to the popularity of the fabulous HBO show (and movies) “Sex And The City,” there is now a nipple-showing bra for us itty-bitty gals.  The Padded Peep Hole Bra looks like a normal padded bra except it features a hole in the center to allow for ‘perky’ moments to be visible through thin fabric.  On the surface, this bra appears perfect.  The padding creates an illusion of size, but the peep-through perkiness keeps viewers guessing.  However, when you are feeling less than ‘excited,’ thin fabric clings to the center and it looks as though you have holes in your boobs.  The bra manufacturer was aware of this flaw and actually includes little rubber fake nipples that are constantly perky and attach to the outside of the brassiere.  It wouldn’t be a bad solution if you could depend on the nipples to stay put.  What’s worse, holes in your boobs or wandering nipples?  Considering the potential wardrobe malfunctions when wearing in public, I’d pass on this bra.

                  So, there you have it; the dismal list of the top boob-building brassieres available in today’s market.  Despite our ability to put a man on the moon, build jets capable of breaking the sound barrier, and even clone sheep for crying-out-loud; no one seems to be able to design a solid enhancing bra for small breasts.  But I refuse to give-up.  I am a brassiere crusader.  I will continue my search on behalf of millions of tiny-titters everywhere, who look at their closets full of camouflaging chunky sweaters and dream of a better day.